i just

don't have the words to say what i feel
im not sure how i should be
strugglin is an understatement
life's a blessing
music saves me
my faith keeps me strong
the MBOC is my home
one day you will understand
one day i will too
there is a plan
this is life
all of it
the tough times
the hard times
all the good and bad rolled up in beatuy
sealed with the promise of love
searching for answer in the stars
let the moon guide you
walk by faith
laugh often
love intensely
live fully
follow your dreams
break the rules
dance in the rain
play in the mud
write letters
fight for your beliefs
never lose faith
remember we are all we are
because we owe a debt we can never repay
humble yourself
continue to grow
stay strong in your faith
have a real relationship with god
tumble when your knees work
sing loudly
hug everyone
say i love you
never forget
always remember

the fall

its september already
my oh my how time just goes on so fast you arent even sure how it happened
summer is long done
and fall classes are underway
september is half way over with
and i may not be at all the person i was

id like to think that God has a plan
a great intricate detailed plan of how my life is supposed to go
i'd like to think that every obstacle that has been placed in my life has been for a reason

and ultimately the i'd like's have become i believe's
and even tho i have no idea the purpose for all this or why he has trusted me
in the grand scheme of things i know its for a reason


a lot has changed i have changed
i maybe disappear a little or run away but i am trying hard not
read ti much into things
rather just work hard and make things happen
thats my ultimate goal in life
and i am excited to see where that path will take me.


there is this picture thats sitting at my new desk (yes i moved) and its about 3 1/2 years old
in this picture i see the friends i have had for years
we are filled with hope and inspired with love full of faith in the promises of the future.

i use to sit and wonder what happened to this girl from this picture
and how she became so scrambled in life and all the temptations
that have been put in her path

but she wasnt perfect she was learning through living and for this i applaud her
tho she does not walk the strait and narrow anymore
she pushes limits and sometimes over does it

she is progressing and making things work.
she has created her own path and is paving the way.




so today i refuse to bum
ive been doing that for days
its time to change things up
and move forward
despite the guilt and the mistakes

so reach high
and fly higher



peace love and shooting stars
-laineyya

summer days

it feels like summer is just beginning. like classes just finished and we are just starting to enjoy the long days with nothing to do. however its been about a month already since i finished classes and well i can't believe that it already mid june. work is starting to take over life and well life is still moving full speed. suddenly there aren't as many days spent at the pool tanning. i am not seeing everyone i was seeing daily during the semester. so there are mini vacations and long nights spent having long conversations. being saved by the most amazing people. making some interesting choices and having a few too many drinks

life is life. :) i love where i am at, but i hate that i have to get it all figured out before the fall. blah blah blah. its just life and making decisions that could impact my life for the next few years is quite a big deal and i am totally not liking it.


the next month or so should be interesting i have to pick up a class maybe two eek!
oh summer school you will be the death of me. i should probably call the financial aid office and figure out when all that is gonna be taken care of so i can make sure my aid actually comes to me this time! hahaha
:) whoo whooo


oh so much to do so very much to do
no bueno
no bueno at all


i am off to enjoy my day before work
cilla should be arrving soon
i love my friends


shout out to nadia for reminding of what needs to be done!
:)



peace love && shooting stars <3
laineyya

june 3rd

i am not sure this day will ever be normal again. ironically i havent written in months! and today is the day i choose to write again. i could easily just talk about the memories of this day or the last real memories i actually had almost 3 years ago now this day reminds me of visiting hte cemetery and being sad but today i refuse to feel that way because i know that i am ok because i know the lord has a plan
so before all the mushy stuff i shall fill you in with the last few months

well easter was about the last time i wrote. it was a rough one with everything that went down with my parents. i am not even sure where to begin but i decided that after two days of being sad i wasnt gonna let them control my emotions so i dont anymore and i am working my tush off to make things better and to make myself better

i wanna do great things and i didnt have any direction but i do now and thats totally what i am going with..

so between formal school finals nadia turning 21 and care's graduation and such life hass been moving kinda fast. laying out at the pool and drinking til dawn good music and even better friends having bad moments and good ones making poor decisions and deciding to change. life is a bumpy roller coaster and everything is getting better and better

i want to change for the better and be a better person and example. thats what i intend to do. life is so random i dont even understand it

i think after sunday i may have to write again. care's graduation is sure to make things interesting i love her more than i have loved anything in the whole world



so today i will not be sad i will be happy i will live as if i have no other choice. i make today better than yesterday and i make tomorrow just as wonderful if not more


the lord is my light and my salvation.

peace love && shooting stars
laineyya

mistake???

hmmmmm so we all make these things called mistakes at one point or another
because well none of us are perfect
so we go through life making mistakes. we learn from them && we grow.
thats how life is supposed to work.

for example:
elaine should be writing the 1st 3-4 pages of her primate paper that is due tomorrow at 4:20 (yes i realize the irony her "420") but instead given recent events and the inability to focus (even tho i am ready to start my research and writing process) i have vented to those who would listen, which if you know even know me a little bit is a BIG step in the wonderful emotional state of elaine! and now instead of writing my paper i am blogging!


so yes yes i bet you are wondering what has made me such a mess that i cant focus on bettering myself and focusing intensely on this stupid primate paper, well ladies and gents if you thought oh snap her parents made her crazy again you are indeed correct! even though my dad has had a minimal affect on me in comparison to my mother, other than the fact that i feel so incredibly terrible for letting him down, lets rewind a bit as to recap how i got here.

so feb 15th i started classes again! whoo whoo go elaine back in the game! or so i thought because apparently we are back at square one! shit happens it is what it is but when something so materialistic like money can make a mother regret having her child you bet your sweet ass its a problem!

now that we all know that i am a poor college student walking by faith trying to figure out where i wanna go in life and letting god send me on his path because well we all know he has a plan, i can't help but wonder how i can be so fine with the fact that by this time tomorrow i may have to move back to sa transfer stores and withdraw! its just so unfair! but still thats the least of my worries. if thats what god has planned who am i to question it. the bigger problem is maria!

yes maria my dear mother! whom i, without valid reason, still love, because well she is my mother and has sacrificed a lot for me! but at what point is it just too much to accept what she says because if you know me you know that i am a strong young lady, but my mother just knows exactly what to say to break me into a million peices and make me wanna just well disappear and never return to this life!

i have such wonderful timing because carebears turned 18 and i just "ruined" her birthday because apparently i can't do anything right. cliche a bit but when you hear it so much you eventually start to believe it. and well it kinda sucks because if anyone else was to tell me the same dam crap i would just say FUCK YOU!! but thats my mom and i cant and it sucks

so after spending a day locked up crying listening to music i decided i was not gonna cry anymore (even tho a brief therapy session with michael forced some tears) so i went to layout in the sun called the office of financial aid and my complex and attempted to figure shit out. but i honestly dont care. shit is what it is. i forced smiles and pretended like i was gonna be ok. i think even michael was shocked by the amount of detail i shared with him, frankly i was surprised to, but he asked and i just gave answers because well it was the truth and i am tired of hiding and feeling this way. and with all the time i spend with him he might as well know that his friend is crazy! well kinda. and besides he had to share with me his plan to ask adriana to formal so of course i obliged and shared my opinion because well who knew that michael was capable of such cute gestures when the very same michael was yelling, "bitches want dick," on the balcony in a drunken state on saturday night and doesnt even remember! i guess he is a better friend than i ever imagined which is nice.

i have so much pain inside but i promised myself that i was gonna make it not matter what the cost so i shall persevere and keep fighting because thats what we all must do.


&&even if maria thinks i am the reason for all our family problems and i am just another mistake to her i will make it. maybe it wont be done right away but i have a feeling that great things are coming for me. && things will be ok. so here we go again jumping to feet in and attempting to be the best i can be and to make things better!

not mention i am getting reacquainted with an old friend who i thought id never thought i talk to again.
"lets pick up where we left off" hmmmmmm :)











oh and

e: hey art i think i can do this. this singing thing.
a: dude i KNOW you can
e: then lets do this. really really
a: you can do it
e: does this mean i have to sing in front of you like really a whole song and what not
a: ya dude
e: then lets do this!





hahaha


peace love and shooting stars
-laineyyyyya

run run as fast as you can

we all do it
some of us are better than others at running
me: id like to consider myself a pro at this running
only difference is that now that i am older
and i realize just how unhealthy that is
i can't help but feel when the running has gone on long enough
and its time for elaine to have some kind of human emotion again

vic says i should talk to someone
that it could help

but i dont think i need to i dont think that missing popo is what is making me so crazy these days
i think its way more complex than even i can understand or begin to even comprehend
my chest hurts like if my heart is slowly breaking into a million pieces
lately ive felt so overwhelmed i am not even sure how to go about things anymore

i think about school and the future and where i want to be and i cant see my future
i use to be able to visualize where i wanted to end up and now i just cant see it
i get so anxious i have to stop myself and remember that its gonna be ok
even tho i feel kinda lost


i know that i dont want to go law school anymore
that is no longer my plan
but i wish i had a new one



i just wanna sing to the world
i want my voice to be heard
i just wanna make a difference







peace love and shooting stars
elaine

home is where the heart is

so where i am
where ever Gods presence is known
is where you will find me!

i came back to sa last night
at such a random hour i couldnt even believe i did that
but family is such a powerful bond
sucha valuable thing

i am sitting here with sophia and i cant help but be happy
sunday may not have been my day and things are just a big mess
but i am gonna turn it all around i am
gonna make sure things get taken care of


so on this beautiful day
i will speak of the sunshine
and the stars

about having all my faith in god to get me where i need to be
the lord has blessed me and i know he has a plan

so today ill keep this short
<3





peace love and shooting stars,
laineyyyaaaaa

the real world

so while i havent posted anything in a very long time(over a month)
lots has been happening int he wonderful world of elaine!
besides starting school and actually getting back on track i have been growing in my relationships as well!
life is good
i started school on the 15th and its just been quite the experience and i am loving it more than i have ever before but i have decided to post a blog because
1. i am procrastinating my studying
2. its been a long 2 days
3. la 48 has already passed!

yes yes last weekend was the wonderful longhorn awakening 48 in which i was staffing for the very first time and i absolutely loved it! but i have to admit at first i didnt feel like i got what i normally get when i staff retreats this feeling of god's presence is usually overwhelming but i didnt feel it this time and i could exactly figure out why.

then monday came around && my roomates crazy ex grabbed her and for the first time i didnt feel safe inside my apartment and i am not even sure how this even happens but the last two days have been intense. the cops were here today talking to us about safety and i really hope we got through to her about how crazy her ex is being and how scary this whole situation is

i had a very intense conversation with a good old friend of mine yesterday as we packed away his life in the atx for him to head back home and it was more of a spiritual talk that i truly appreciated. i saw things in a new light and new that god was present right then and there

just like earlier in the day when i was talking to victor about his spiritual journey
i felt like god was talking to him through me which was just absolutely amazing

tho things are complicated i see things differently. i stopped asking god why me and started to say thank you! he is trusting me so much with the curve balls he throws at me. he is preparing me for the future in the best way one can be prepared; through experience and all my searching is paying off and i am becoming more and more of a follower of christ and my life is slowly be shaped to be more like him.

even if my family is still not all put together i have god on my side. he even says it in Psalms i cant remember which one it was exactly but i know it was something like "even if your mother and father abandon you i will be with you" could i really ask for a better example of christ's love??




so life is what it is. its hard. its tough. somtimes it doesnt makes sens. sometimes we study and still do bad, but its all part of his plan for us, he is guiding us each and everyday and the more weak ive felt the harder i have leaned on God and the harder i lean the more i learn! and thats just what i need. i have finally accepted who i am and i know where i stan.


i have been blessed so much and i will continue to be a follower of christ and work to accomplish all the goals i have set out for myself. i am putting it all in his hands and i do plan on succeeding in the end. defeat will not be an option.

my sister looks up to me she is my world i never knew i could love as much as i love her because i have opened up to her and i have trusted her with secrets i do not tell anyone else and because of her i know that christ's love exist


i just had to share my feelings because i have the most amazing people in my life who come to my rescue and they are blessings and proof of God's love!


so i know that i will be ok&&all will work out just as he intends it to







peace love and shooting stars,
-elaine<3

shining stars in the dark sky

so last night i went on my first P-staff retreat for awakening 48
it was so nice to get away from the city and bond with people who
have beliefs just like mine
because as we all know there is nothing normal about me and i really don't
fit in anywhere but i am ok with not fitting the mold of normalcy.
and the stars out there were so bright! it was so gorgeous!!!!!

so there are these thoughts i get in my head when i pray
i think about life: both good and bad because lets face it

things are never as they seem. Sometimes we think its the end of the world because of one bad incident and sometimes we don't realize the seriousness of the situation. As i was sitting talking with my P-partner i saw myself in a different light because : 1. i am in such a better place than i was a year ago 2. just because i met someone at the UCC doesn't mean that they have it all figured out. i use to think i was the only one who struggled with my faith but yesterday things were put into perspective and it was quite a wonderful feeling getting to know my P-partner. We are all human with feelings and emotions that we can't always understand of figure out

besides being almost an hour late (which really wasn't a big deal) yesterday was just nice :)
but thats all the awakening talk for now i have to be careful what i say just incase some who reads this gets to go! which i really hope happens!


so then i come home to find beer and chips outside the apartment and i bet you can guess what this means! mhmmmm if yo guessed PARTY then you my friend are correct haha i always miss something when i take off to retreats but honestly i trade partying for a more spiritual life any day. there is something about my deepening relationship with the lord that makes me feel so amazing with out having any kinds of substance in my system :) but lets not get ahead of ourselves i still live mary jane<3333 hahaha and revelation gives us an excellent verse to make us think twice about her:

"And on either side of the river was the tree of life...the leaves of the tree were for the healings of the nation."
Revelation 22:2

take it as you wish ill do what i do and you can do what you want with that :)


oh and another great things was the txt i woke up to this morning at 8:22 am
"For we live by believing not by seeing." Corinthians 5:7


it couldnt be more true! the lord is good. he provides!





so lets see after some emails with mello i am glad to let you guys know that she is safe and sound in Spain and i should be hearing from her soon! i am also happy to report that along with jeff i shall be adding vocals to a song of his. i am really excited for this. i've always love music and i am looking forward to getting back into it! so be waiting to hear it :)



life is just getting better and better each day && i have my wonderful friends and family and God to thank for that
so that is all for this entry :)
i'm just happy happy happy
and i shall dance like nobody is watching (:





peace love && shooting stars
elaine








ps. remember "Me and Jesus: we love you!!!"

The Book of Eli && The Lovely Bones

1 weekend 2 great movies = an amazing weekend

so here i am at home while everyone is at school and i should be doing something more productive
like cleaning but i am not

the book of eli was an amazing movie
and i spent a wonderful saturday with a really great friend
the truth is that God is everywhere he speaks through people through movies through everything he keeps us sane he keeps us whole he makes life worth living by sending in signs to remind us he is there

"i walk by faith not by sight"
this is true in every essence of the meaning :)
the lord is good


i am just a ball full of energy
with tons of words to say

but i am off to clean on this lovely tuesday


peace love and shooting stars
elaine

930 am

&& the first thing i did was think about how early it was then i sutmble upon my friends blog and remembered how great god is and said thank you

i like to sit and complain but i dont always say how greatful i am for what i do have. the lord has blessed me entirely to much. he has tested me more than i'd like but i am here

&& despite the trials and tribulations he pulled me through it all && this friends blog reminded me of that.

it reminded me that God provides that he works miracles even when we dont see it. he teaches forgiveness because he made the ultimate sacrifice. he died so that we may live.

so i think about this when i am upset or uneasy with those i care about. like ben. my cousin. while he didnt do anything nearly as offensive as he has done i feel like he took advantage of me and while i dont wish to yell at him i just wanna put it behind us, i am not sure he is ready to speak with me. which is fine i guess. but i know we are family and given last nights Crystal events i am reminded of how much my family is, because like ben though not blood Crystal is family.

you know that saying "you leave your family to go to college," then one day it becomes some thing like, "youe leave your family to go home." thats a perfect example of the relationships that i have developed in the last year or so. family was only defined by blood for awhile, not it is defined by the people who stand by me, the people that God put to stand by me, the people that are there for me everyday and help me get through the trial and the tribulations and make me stronger.


so i remember to breather. i remember to tell everyone i care about i love them. i remember that time is precious. i remember that i am lucky. i remember that i am a fighter. and i remember that GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES




peace love and shooting star
elaine

life life life

oh how you like to play with my head and emotions
you know being a girl isnt all its cracked up to be
we are the lucky ones who get monthly visitors
and have to push kids out of our uterus'
eeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
and we take way to long to get ready
and we bitch and complain about everything
hahah

and then we find that one person who doesnt mind
that one person who will listen to our complaining
and wants his sperm to mix with our egg
and create life!!!!
hahah


ok so maybe i am being a little harsh but in this post break up era where
i am actually being myself again you can't blame me
when a guy wants to act like d-bag and get all stupid i have a right to be
well blunt things go down the way they do for a reason
and in the end being "that" girl isnt so bad


so san antonio
what do you have in store for me this weekend
:)

according to the agenda "
-movies
-party
-church


wow sounds like a solid weekend




lets actually get to the good stuff where i am not all scatter brained
like yesterday! it was just an uneasy day
after talking to P (out new lovely roommate)about her break up and giving my advice i was like in this little zone of uneasyness and it was absolutely horrible
and it wasnt boy bashing time it was more like getting through it kinda things
but i was forced to relive the past where i became "that" girl. we have all seen her the one who loves the boy who breaks her hear then she falls apart! ugh yes that was me. i kno i kno hard to believe but i was. && there i was trying to figure out how i let myself get to that horrible point. that point where i really didnt have any friend at least not ones that i talked to or actually even knew me, the point where i'd cry like a crazy girl all the time, i couldnt sleep, or eat how can a break up really make you so much of a mess!!!!!!

and now that its a year later, though hard, i think it may have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. i was forced to stop hiding and to stop running. i had to deal with everything in the world that i never ever EVER wanted to and you know what im so much happier and better now
its crazy how things like that go down and its like you are losing yourself but you just end up finding yourself the real you and i am happy to say i know who i am i am happy that i am defined by who i am and not by who i was with. i have my friends my life. and my lord.

so now here we go with the facts as i see it planning never works out, i always play the music a little to loud, speak before i think, shout more that i should, dance whenever i feel like it, sing even where there is no music, my best friend is visiting spain, god is guiding me on my way, marijuana should be legalized, cigarettes are gross, pixy styx are the best candy on earth, my sister is the one person that will never ever leave me she is my other half i love her, my roommates are beyond amazing you should be jealous, my friends are the most amazing people i have ever me, praying makes me happy, retreats are a way to share god's love, baseball/softball are by far my favorite , tumbling is way more fun than running, i wanna write a book, care's steer is special, ive decided no more negativity



i have a way with words and i like that i can speak them freely i dont know if anyone reads this but its okay :)

for now we'll keep it like it is


so life i am ready for you. i am ready to take you on and be freeeeeeee :)
give me trials test my patience, make me think twice because i am never giving up success is my destiny. i am doing great things in this life. i have a voice and i wanna share it with the world. so yay for elaine!



hahha
so i guess this all for today lets all be happy like the moon!



peace love && shining stars
Elaine

jan 19 2010

this day is gonna be one i remember forever
its gonna be one that i look back on
and say "elaine you did it"

this day i made a choice.

i decided that the good out weighed the bad
i decided that i was done feeling sorry for myself
i decided that i was no longer gonna be ashamed of myself and my life
i decided that life is to short to dwell on the bad

my life is a roller coaster of events
there are good and bad rides
but in the end each one has helped make me who i am!

i am stronger because of them
i am me


so i am done with the sadness
i am done with the negactivity and depression




i figure in life things are supposed to happen
things we dont always plan on happening
and things we do
if you are anything like me you made a plan
a very detailed plan of what you want to happen over the bext few years
this is exactly what i did.

college was supposed to be 3 years eek
well now its gonna be like 5
i was supposed to go to law school and have a 4.0 gpa
TEXAS ruined that hahaha

so law school will be where ever i get in and hopefully when i graduate ill have that 3.0




either way those are my dreams i think
and where ever i end up i know its part of God's plan
it is him who has brought me to this point and will continue to
get me where i need to be





so i will stand here and testify that i have the most amazing people in my life
my friends
my family
my sister
sohia
yes even Ben! (i am still upset with him)

i love them so very much
and i know that all will be alright
i am alright


i am awesome
i am elaine!

:)

so i don't belong

or maybe i do
and i just dont feel like it
i feel empty and angry

and i am pretty sure i am the only one
who didnt have a GREAT time yesterday

i was mad the whole time
:(

but at least crys had a great birthday
and hopefully nadia will too
because she needs and that makes me happy
that i make sure that my friends know they are loved





i am here listening to music and just letting the words flow
my brain is all scattered and i just have no hope



i'd say i am a caring person
a pain in the ass
but really caring

and lately its been really getting to me
i feel like i try so hard to always think of others
and letting them know
how much i appreciate them
or how much i am thankful for them
or making sure they are ok

and i dont feel like i have anyone
i mean in my head i know i do
i know that these people in my life love me
and like having me around



but sometimes i just dont feel it
sometimes i just feel out of it
like i dont belong and
everying is falling apart.


i am falling apart.








idk these feelings are just
so strange
and i dont like them



i dont like all this anger
and hurt that i have inside me


my heart hurts so much
its such a sticky situation




i just wanna be freeeeeeee















i suppose one day it'll all make sense
i'll all fall into sense
and i wont feel so horrible

ONE DAY

she's got her daddy's tongue and temper

you bet your sweet ass i do
:)

and i wouldnt change it
todays been a long day
i am here in sa waiting for someone to get home
haha

its been kinda a roller coaster of emotions the last week
i was overwhelmed with emotion
and i had no explanation
but then it hit me

schools starting
everyones getting ready to start school
and here i am still stuck
trying to work to pay back what i owe so i can
start school again
because man do i miss it
all nighters at the UCC
living off coffee and monsters
PCL meetings
starbucks runs before midnight
history classes
cramming for tests
CP bus trips with my ipod and wonderful new attittude
ive missed it all

some people dont care to go to school
but there are those of us that do
those of us who have a plan
a life plan to make a differance
and change the world

and thats what i wanna do
i wanna be remembered
i wanna show people that i am far beyond ORDINARY
i refuse to just blend in
its a moment that comes rarely
but when it does you realize how big life is

so we stand out
we live our lives according to us
we write the pages we choose the chapters
we make the moves

long nights endless talks blazing til 6 am
drinking til dawn
remembering to breathe
counting our blessings
praying daily
helping each other
being there
going to the moon
letting realuty hit
living life
according to us



so while i am faced with much adversity
and i feel like i can't catch a break i remember
that God has a plan.



so my mouth could sometimes use a filter
i drink a little more than i should
smoke a little more than people expect
but i am me
i come hard and i come real


i wanna inspire
and i will





one dayyyyy
<3

horns held high

so yes
last nights game was a terrible upset
and we played hard
and i am still proud to call myself a longhorn

:)

its moments like last night
when i am sitting in a room filled with people
4 years ago that i didnt know
who have become like family to me
that i become truly grateful
and i feel blessed because the lord
has put these people in my life for a reason


so today jan 8 2010
i get ready to celebrate my roomies 21st birthday

whoo whoo


it has been a crazy year of nonsense
but i wouldnt change any of it


things are getting better
i can feel it :)

1.06.10

its comes hard and fast
it changes quickly
it lets you down
it keeps you going
it makes you stronger
it makes you weaker
it helps you grow
it helps you learn

its the one thing that we only get one of
its the one thing that allows us to fix what we break
its the on thing we should never take for granted

today i came to sa
a good friend of mine lost his father
my heart breaks for him
and i am sitting there in church going through
the normal routine
and i wish there was somthing more i could do or feel
i wish i could sit next to him
and just talk
like we always do


daniel is my friend
my really good friend
and i came all the way to sa just for him
becuase thats the kinda friend i am


idk i am sitting here now and i have all these emotions
i think about my sister and paul
my aunt
popo
and i just wish i could rewind life a bit
and not take it for granted
i wish i wouldnt fight it
i wish i could have just one more chance


see i feel very blessed but i still wish for more
the lord has stood by me in the toughest of times
and becuase of him i am here


i just have all these mixed emotions inside
thats all


but i love daniel
:)

this one is for him and his father
who raised a wonderful son