mistake???

hmmmmm so we all make these things called mistakes at one point or another
because well none of us are perfect
so we go through life making mistakes. we learn from them && we grow.
thats how life is supposed to work.

for example:
elaine should be writing the 1st 3-4 pages of her primate paper that is due tomorrow at 4:20 (yes i realize the irony her "420") but instead given recent events and the inability to focus (even tho i am ready to start my research and writing process) i have vented to those who would listen, which if you know even know me a little bit is a BIG step in the wonderful emotional state of elaine! and now instead of writing my paper i am blogging!


so yes yes i bet you are wondering what has made me such a mess that i cant focus on bettering myself and focusing intensely on this stupid primate paper, well ladies and gents if you thought oh snap her parents made her crazy again you are indeed correct! even though my dad has had a minimal affect on me in comparison to my mother, other than the fact that i feel so incredibly terrible for letting him down, lets rewind a bit as to recap how i got here.

so feb 15th i started classes again! whoo whoo go elaine back in the game! or so i thought because apparently we are back at square one! shit happens it is what it is but when something so materialistic like money can make a mother regret having her child you bet your sweet ass its a problem!

now that we all know that i am a poor college student walking by faith trying to figure out where i wanna go in life and letting god send me on his path because well we all know he has a plan, i can't help but wonder how i can be so fine with the fact that by this time tomorrow i may have to move back to sa transfer stores and withdraw! its just so unfair! but still thats the least of my worries. if thats what god has planned who am i to question it. the bigger problem is maria!

yes maria my dear mother! whom i, without valid reason, still love, because well she is my mother and has sacrificed a lot for me! but at what point is it just too much to accept what she says because if you know me you know that i am a strong young lady, but my mother just knows exactly what to say to break me into a million peices and make me wanna just well disappear and never return to this life!

i have such wonderful timing because carebears turned 18 and i just "ruined" her birthday because apparently i can't do anything right. cliche a bit but when you hear it so much you eventually start to believe it. and well it kinda sucks because if anyone else was to tell me the same dam crap i would just say FUCK YOU!! but thats my mom and i cant and it sucks

so after spending a day locked up crying listening to music i decided i was not gonna cry anymore (even tho a brief therapy session with michael forced some tears) so i went to layout in the sun called the office of financial aid and my complex and attempted to figure shit out. but i honestly dont care. shit is what it is. i forced smiles and pretended like i was gonna be ok. i think even michael was shocked by the amount of detail i shared with him, frankly i was surprised to, but he asked and i just gave answers because well it was the truth and i am tired of hiding and feeling this way. and with all the time i spend with him he might as well know that his friend is crazy! well kinda. and besides he had to share with me his plan to ask adriana to formal so of course i obliged and shared my opinion because well who knew that michael was capable of such cute gestures when the very same michael was yelling, "bitches want dick," on the balcony in a drunken state on saturday night and doesnt even remember! i guess he is a better friend than i ever imagined which is nice.

i have so much pain inside but i promised myself that i was gonna make it not matter what the cost so i shall persevere and keep fighting because thats what we all must do.


&&even if maria thinks i am the reason for all our family problems and i am just another mistake to her i will make it. maybe it wont be done right away but i have a feeling that great things are coming for me. && things will be ok. so here we go again jumping to feet in and attempting to be the best i can be and to make things better!

not mention i am getting reacquainted with an old friend who i thought id never thought i talk to again.
"lets pick up where we left off" hmmmmmm :)











oh and

e: hey art i think i can do this. this singing thing.
a: dude i KNOW you can
e: then lets do this. really really
a: you can do it
e: does this mean i have to sing in front of you like really a whole song and what not
a: ya dude
e: then lets do this!





hahaha


peace love and shooting stars
-laineyyyyya