930 am

&& the first thing i did was think about how early it was then i sutmble upon my friends blog and remembered how great god is and said thank you

i like to sit and complain but i dont always say how greatful i am for what i do have. the lord has blessed me entirely to much. he has tested me more than i'd like but i am here

&& despite the trials and tribulations he pulled me through it all && this friends blog reminded me of that.

it reminded me that God provides that he works miracles even when we dont see it. he teaches forgiveness because he made the ultimate sacrifice. he died so that we may live.

so i think about this when i am upset or uneasy with those i care about. like ben. my cousin. while he didnt do anything nearly as offensive as he has done i feel like he took advantage of me and while i dont wish to yell at him i just wanna put it behind us, i am not sure he is ready to speak with me. which is fine i guess. but i know we are family and given last nights Crystal events i am reminded of how much my family is, because like ben though not blood Crystal is family.

you know that saying "you leave your family to go to college," then one day it becomes some thing like, "youe leave your family to go home." thats a perfect example of the relationships that i have developed in the last year or so. family was only defined by blood for awhile, not it is defined by the people who stand by me, the people that God put to stand by me, the people that are there for me everyday and help me get through the trial and the tribulations and make me stronger.


so i remember to breather. i remember to tell everyone i care about i love them. i remember that time is precious. i remember that i am lucky. i remember that i am a fighter. and i remember that GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES




peace love and shooting star
elaine

life life life

oh how you like to play with my head and emotions
you know being a girl isnt all its cracked up to be
we are the lucky ones who get monthly visitors
and have to push kids out of our uterus'
eeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
and we take way to long to get ready
and we bitch and complain about everything
hahah

and then we find that one person who doesnt mind
that one person who will listen to our complaining
and wants his sperm to mix with our egg
and create life!!!!
hahah


ok so maybe i am being a little harsh but in this post break up era where
i am actually being myself again you can't blame me
when a guy wants to act like d-bag and get all stupid i have a right to be
well blunt things go down the way they do for a reason
and in the end being "that" girl isnt so bad


so san antonio
what do you have in store for me this weekend
:)

according to the agenda "
-movies
-party
-church


wow sounds like a solid weekend




lets actually get to the good stuff where i am not all scatter brained
like yesterday! it was just an uneasy day
after talking to P (out new lovely roommate)about her break up and giving my advice i was like in this little zone of uneasyness and it was absolutely horrible
and it wasnt boy bashing time it was more like getting through it kinda things
but i was forced to relive the past where i became "that" girl. we have all seen her the one who loves the boy who breaks her hear then she falls apart! ugh yes that was me. i kno i kno hard to believe but i was. && there i was trying to figure out how i let myself get to that horrible point. that point where i really didnt have any friend at least not ones that i talked to or actually even knew me, the point where i'd cry like a crazy girl all the time, i couldnt sleep, or eat how can a break up really make you so much of a mess!!!!!!

and now that its a year later, though hard, i think it may have been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. i was forced to stop hiding and to stop running. i had to deal with everything in the world that i never ever EVER wanted to and you know what im so much happier and better now
its crazy how things like that go down and its like you are losing yourself but you just end up finding yourself the real you and i am happy to say i know who i am i am happy that i am defined by who i am and not by who i was with. i have my friends my life. and my lord.

so now here we go with the facts as i see it planning never works out, i always play the music a little to loud, speak before i think, shout more that i should, dance whenever i feel like it, sing even where there is no music, my best friend is visiting spain, god is guiding me on my way, marijuana should be legalized, cigarettes are gross, pixy styx are the best candy on earth, my sister is the one person that will never ever leave me she is my other half i love her, my roommates are beyond amazing you should be jealous, my friends are the most amazing people i have ever me, praying makes me happy, retreats are a way to share god's love, baseball/softball are by far my favorite , tumbling is way more fun than running, i wanna write a book, care's steer is special, ive decided no more negativity



i have a way with words and i like that i can speak them freely i dont know if anyone reads this but its okay :)

for now we'll keep it like it is


so life i am ready for you. i am ready to take you on and be freeeeeeee :)
give me trials test my patience, make me think twice because i am never giving up success is my destiny. i am doing great things in this life. i have a voice and i wanna share it with the world. so yay for elaine!



hahha
so i guess this all for today lets all be happy like the moon!



peace love && shining stars
Elaine

jan 19 2010

this day is gonna be one i remember forever
its gonna be one that i look back on
and say "elaine you did it"

this day i made a choice.

i decided that the good out weighed the bad
i decided that i was done feeling sorry for myself
i decided that i was no longer gonna be ashamed of myself and my life
i decided that life is to short to dwell on the bad

my life is a roller coaster of events
there are good and bad rides
but in the end each one has helped make me who i am!

i am stronger because of them
i am me


so i am done with the sadness
i am done with the negactivity and depression




i figure in life things are supposed to happen
things we dont always plan on happening
and things we do
if you are anything like me you made a plan
a very detailed plan of what you want to happen over the bext few years
this is exactly what i did.

college was supposed to be 3 years eek
well now its gonna be like 5
i was supposed to go to law school and have a 4.0 gpa
TEXAS ruined that hahaha

so law school will be where ever i get in and hopefully when i graduate ill have that 3.0




either way those are my dreams i think
and where ever i end up i know its part of God's plan
it is him who has brought me to this point and will continue to
get me where i need to be





so i will stand here and testify that i have the most amazing people in my life
my friends
my family
my sister
sohia
yes even Ben! (i am still upset with him)

i love them so very much
and i know that all will be alright
i am alright


i am awesome
i am elaine!

:)

so i don't belong

or maybe i do
and i just dont feel like it
i feel empty and angry

and i am pretty sure i am the only one
who didnt have a GREAT time yesterday

i was mad the whole time
:(

but at least crys had a great birthday
and hopefully nadia will too
because she needs and that makes me happy
that i make sure that my friends know they are loved





i am here listening to music and just letting the words flow
my brain is all scattered and i just have no hope



i'd say i am a caring person
a pain in the ass
but really caring

and lately its been really getting to me
i feel like i try so hard to always think of others
and letting them know
how much i appreciate them
or how much i am thankful for them
or making sure they are ok

and i dont feel like i have anyone
i mean in my head i know i do
i know that these people in my life love me
and like having me around



but sometimes i just dont feel it
sometimes i just feel out of it
like i dont belong and
everying is falling apart.


i am falling apart.








idk these feelings are just
so strange
and i dont like them



i dont like all this anger
and hurt that i have inside me


my heart hurts so much
its such a sticky situation




i just wanna be freeeeeeee















i suppose one day it'll all make sense
i'll all fall into sense
and i wont feel so horrible

ONE DAY

she's got her daddy's tongue and temper

you bet your sweet ass i do
:)

and i wouldnt change it
todays been a long day
i am here in sa waiting for someone to get home
haha

its been kinda a roller coaster of emotions the last week
i was overwhelmed with emotion
and i had no explanation
but then it hit me

schools starting
everyones getting ready to start school
and here i am still stuck
trying to work to pay back what i owe so i can
start school again
because man do i miss it
all nighters at the UCC
living off coffee and monsters
PCL meetings
starbucks runs before midnight
history classes
cramming for tests
CP bus trips with my ipod and wonderful new attittude
ive missed it all

some people dont care to go to school
but there are those of us that do
those of us who have a plan
a life plan to make a differance
and change the world

and thats what i wanna do
i wanna be remembered
i wanna show people that i am far beyond ORDINARY
i refuse to just blend in
its a moment that comes rarely
but when it does you realize how big life is

so we stand out
we live our lives according to us
we write the pages we choose the chapters
we make the moves

long nights endless talks blazing til 6 am
drinking til dawn
remembering to breathe
counting our blessings
praying daily
helping each other
being there
going to the moon
letting realuty hit
living life
according to us



so while i am faced with much adversity
and i feel like i can't catch a break i remember
that God has a plan.



so my mouth could sometimes use a filter
i drink a little more than i should
smoke a little more than people expect
but i am me
i come hard and i come real


i wanna inspire
and i will





one dayyyyy
<3

horns held high

so yes
last nights game was a terrible upset
and we played hard
and i am still proud to call myself a longhorn

:)

its moments like last night
when i am sitting in a room filled with people
4 years ago that i didnt know
who have become like family to me
that i become truly grateful
and i feel blessed because the lord
has put these people in my life for a reason


so today jan 8 2010
i get ready to celebrate my roomies 21st birthday

whoo whoo


it has been a crazy year of nonsense
but i wouldnt change any of it


things are getting better
i can feel it :)

1.06.10

its comes hard and fast
it changes quickly
it lets you down
it keeps you going
it makes you stronger
it makes you weaker
it helps you grow
it helps you learn

its the one thing that we only get one of
its the one thing that allows us to fix what we break
its the on thing we should never take for granted

today i came to sa
a good friend of mine lost his father
my heart breaks for him
and i am sitting there in church going through
the normal routine
and i wish there was somthing more i could do or feel
i wish i could sit next to him
and just talk
like we always do


daniel is my friend
my really good friend
and i came all the way to sa just for him
becuase thats the kinda friend i am


idk i am sitting here now and i have all these emotions
i think about my sister and paul
my aunt
popo
and i just wish i could rewind life a bit
and not take it for granted
i wish i wouldnt fight it
i wish i could have just one more chance


see i feel very blessed but i still wish for more
the lord has stood by me in the toughest of times
and becuase of him i am here


i just have all these mixed emotions inside
thats all


but i love daniel
:)

this one is for him and his father
who raised a wonderful son