i once

started to write this to keep up with my life and to vent
now i think its time for a little change
its 2011 and my plan
ahs changed
i have changed

i dont know what is happening to me
an i am not sure what i am gonna do


but ill figure it out
i always do

i just

don't have the words to say what i feel
im not sure how i should be
strugglin is an understatement
life's a blessing
music saves me
my faith keeps me strong
the MBOC is my home
one day you will understand
one day i will too
there is a plan
this is life
all of it
the tough times
the hard times
all the good and bad rolled up in beatuy
sealed with the promise of love
searching for answer in the stars
let the moon guide you
walk by faith
laugh often
love intensely
live fully
follow your dreams
break the rules
dance in the rain
play in the mud
write letters
fight for your beliefs
never lose faith
remember we are all we are
because we owe a debt we can never repay
humble yourself
continue to grow
stay strong in your faith
have a real relationship with god
tumble when your knees work
sing loudly
hug everyone
say i love you
never forget
always remember

the fall

its september already
my oh my how time just goes on so fast you arent even sure how it happened
summer is long done
and fall classes are underway
september is half way over with
and i may not be at all the person i was

id like to think that God has a plan
a great intricate detailed plan of how my life is supposed to go
i'd like to think that every obstacle that has been placed in my life has been for a reason

and ultimately the i'd like's have become i believe's
and even tho i have no idea the purpose for all this or why he has trusted me
in the grand scheme of things i know its for a reason


a lot has changed i have changed
i maybe disappear a little or run away but i am trying hard not
read ti much into things
rather just work hard and make things happen
thats my ultimate goal in life
and i am excited to see where that path will take me.


there is this picture thats sitting at my new desk (yes i moved) and its about 3 1/2 years old
in this picture i see the friends i have had for years
we are filled with hope and inspired with love full of faith in the promises of the future.

i use to sit and wonder what happened to this girl from this picture
and how she became so scrambled in life and all the temptations
that have been put in her path

but she wasnt perfect she was learning through living and for this i applaud her
tho she does not walk the strait and narrow anymore
she pushes limits and sometimes over does it

she is progressing and making things work.
she has created her own path and is paving the way.




so today i refuse to bum
ive been doing that for days
its time to change things up
and move forward
despite the guilt and the mistakes

so reach high
and fly higher



peace love and shooting stars
-laineyya

summer days

it feels like summer is just beginning. like classes just finished and we are just starting to enjoy the long days with nothing to do. however its been about a month already since i finished classes and well i can't believe that it already mid june. work is starting to take over life and well life is still moving full speed. suddenly there aren't as many days spent at the pool tanning. i am not seeing everyone i was seeing daily during the semester. so there are mini vacations and long nights spent having long conversations. being saved by the most amazing people. making some interesting choices and having a few too many drinks

life is life. :) i love where i am at, but i hate that i have to get it all figured out before the fall. blah blah blah. its just life and making decisions that could impact my life for the next few years is quite a big deal and i am totally not liking it.


the next month or so should be interesting i have to pick up a class maybe two eek!
oh summer school you will be the death of me. i should probably call the financial aid office and figure out when all that is gonna be taken care of so i can make sure my aid actually comes to me this time! hahaha
:) whoo whooo


oh so much to do so very much to do
no bueno
no bueno at all


i am off to enjoy my day before work
cilla should be arrving soon
i love my friends


shout out to nadia for reminding of what needs to be done!
:)



peace love && shooting stars <3
laineyya

june 3rd

i am not sure this day will ever be normal again. ironically i havent written in months! and today is the day i choose to write again. i could easily just talk about the memories of this day or the last real memories i actually had almost 3 years ago now this day reminds me of visiting hte cemetery and being sad but today i refuse to feel that way because i know that i am ok because i know the lord has a plan
so before all the mushy stuff i shall fill you in with the last few months

well easter was about the last time i wrote. it was a rough one with everything that went down with my parents. i am not even sure where to begin but i decided that after two days of being sad i wasnt gonna let them control my emotions so i dont anymore and i am working my tush off to make things better and to make myself better

i wanna do great things and i didnt have any direction but i do now and thats totally what i am going with..

so between formal school finals nadia turning 21 and care's graduation and such life hass been moving kinda fast. laying out at the pool and drinking til dawn good music and even better friends having bad moments and good ones making poor decisions and deciding to change. life is a bumpy roller coaster and everything is getting better and better

i want to change for the better and be a better person and example. thats what i intend to do. life is so random i dont even understand it

i think after sunday i may have to write again. care's graduation is sure to make things interesting i love her more than i have loved anything in the whole world



so today i will not be sad i will be happy i will live as if i have no other choice. i make today better than yesterday and i make tomorrow just as wonderful if not more


the lord is my light and my salvation.

peace love && shooting stars
laineyya

mistake???

hmmmmm so we all make these things called mistakes at one point or another
because well none of us are perfect
so we go through life making mistakes. we learn from them && we grow.
thats how life is supposed to work.

for example:
elaine should be writing the 1st 3-4 pages of her primate paper that is due tomorrow at 4:20 (yes i realize the irony her "420") but instead given recent events and the inability to focus (even tho i am ready to start my research and writing process) i have vented to those who would listen, which if you know even know me a little bit is a BIG step in the wonderful emotional state of elaine! and now instead of writing my paper i am blogging!


so yes yes i bet you are wondering what has made me such a mess that i cant focus on bettering myself and focusing intensely on this stupid primate paper, well ladies and gents if you thought oh snap her parents made her crazy again you are indeed correct! even though my dad has had a minimal affect on me in comparison to my mother, other than the fact that i feel so incredibly terrible for letting him down, lets rewind a bit as to recap how i got here.

so feb 15th i started classes again! whoo whoo go elaine back in the game! or so i thought because apparently we are back at square one! shit happens it is what it is but when something so materialistic like money can make a mother regret having her child you bet your sweet ass its a problem!

now that we all know that i am a poor college student walking by faith trying to figure out where i wanna go in life and letting god send me on his path because well we all know he has a plan, i can't help but wonder how i can be so fine with the fact that by this time tomorrow i may have to move back to sa transfer stores and withdraw! its just so unfair! but still thats the least of my worries. if thats what god has planned who am i to question it. the bigger problem is maria!

yes maria my dear mother! whom i, without valid reason, still love, because well she is my mother and has sacrificed a lot for me! but at what point is it just too much to accept what she says because if you know me you know that i am a strong young lady, but my mother just knows exactly what to say to break me into a million peices and make me wanna just well disappear and never return to this life!

i have such wonderful timing because carebears turned 18 and i just "ruined" her birthday because apparently i can't do anything right. cliche a bit but when you hear it so much you eventually start to believe it. and well it kinda sucks because if anyone else was to tell me the same dam crap i would just say FUCK YOU!! but thats my mom and i cant and it sucks

so after spending a day locked up crying listening to music i decided i was not gonna cry anymore (even tho a brief therapy session with michael forced some tears) so i went to layout in the sun called the office of financial aid and my complex and attempted to figure shit out. but i honestly dont care. shit is what it is. i forced smiles and pretended like i was gonna be ok. i think even michael was shocked by the amount of detail i shared with him, frankly i was surprised to, but he asked and i just gave answers because well it was the truth and i am tired of hiding and feeling this way. and with all the time i spend with him he might as well know that his friend is crazy! well kinda. and besides he had to share with me his plan to ask adriana to formal so of course i obliged and shared my opinion because well who knew that michael was capable of such cute gestures when the very same michael was yelling, "bitches want dick," on the balcony in a drunken state on saturday night and doesnt even remember! i guess he is a better friend than i ever imagined which is nice.

i have so much pain inside but i promised myself that i was gonna make it not matter what the cost so i shall persevere and keep fighting because thats what we all must do.


&&even if maria thinks i am the reason for all our family problems and i am just another mistake to her i will make it. maybe it wont be done right away but i have a feeling that great things are coming for me. && things will be ok. so here we go again jumping to feet in and attempting to be the best i can be and to make things better!

not mention i am getting reacquainted with an old friend who i thought id never thought i talk to again.
"lets pick up where we left off" hmmmmmm :)











oh and

e: hey art i think i can do this. this singing thing.
a: dude i KNOW you can
e: then lets do this. really really
a: you can do it
e: does this mean i have to sing in front of you like really a whole song and what not
a: ya dude
e: then lets do this!





hahaha


peace love and shooting stars
-laineyyyyya

run run as fast as you can

we all do it
some of us are better than others at running
me: id like to consider myself a pro at this running
only difference is that now that i am older
and i realize just how unhealthy that is
i can't help but feel when the running has gone on long enough
and its time for elaine to have some kind of human emotion again

vic says i should talk to someone
that it could help

but i dont think i need to i dont think that missing popo is what is making me so crazy these days
i think its way more complex than even i can understand or begin to even comprehend
my chest hurts like if my heart is slowly breaking into a million pieces
lately ive felt so overwhelmed i am not even sure how to go about things anymore

i think about school and the future and where i want to be and i cant see my future
i use to be able to visualize where i wanted to end up and now i just cant see it
i get so anxious i have to stop myself and remember that its gonna be ok
even tho i feel kinda lost


i know that i dont want to go law school anymore
that is no longer my plan
but i wish i had a new one



i just wanna sing to the world
i want my voice to be heard
i just wanna make a difference







peace love and shooting stars
elaine