mistake???

hmmmmm so we all make these things called mistakes at one point or another
because well none of us are perfect
so we go through life making mistakes. we learn from them && we grow.
thats how life is supposed to work.

for example:
elaine should be writing the 1st 3-4 pages of her primate paper that is due tomorrow at 4:20 (yes i realize the irony her "420") but instead given recent events and the inability to focus (even tho i am ready to start my research and writing process) i have vented to those who would listen, which if you know even know me a little bit is a BIG step in the wonderful emotional state of elaine! and now instead of writing my paper i am blogging!


so yes yes i bet you are wondering what has made me such a mess that i cant focus on bettering myself and focusing intensely on this stupid primate paper, well ladies and gents if you thought oh snap her parents made her crazy again you are indeed correct! even though my dad has had a minimal affect on me in comparison to my mother, other than the fact that i feel so incredibly terrible for letting him down, lets rewind a bit as to recap how i got here.

so feb 15th i started classes again! whoo whoo go elaine back in the game! or so i thought because apparently we are back at square one! shit happens it is what it is but when something so materialistic like money can make a mother regret having her child you bet your sweet ass its a problem!

now that we all know that i am a poor college student walking by faith trying to figure out where i wanna go in life and letting god send me on his path because well we all know he has a plan, i can't help but wonder how i can be so fine with the fact that by this time tomorrow i may have to move back to sa transfer stores and withdraw! its just so unfair! but still thats the least of my worries. if thats what god has planned who am i to question it. the bigger problem is maria!

yes maria my dear mother! whom i, without valid reason, still love, because well she is my mother and has sacrificed a lot for me! but at what point is it just too much to accept what she says because if you know me you know that i am a strong young lady, but my mother just knows exactly what to say to break me into a million peices and make me wanna just well disappear and never return to this life!

i have such wonderful timing because carebears turned 18 and i just "ruined" her birthday because apparently i can't do anything right. cliche a bit but when you hear it so much you eventually start to believe it. and well it kinda sucks because if anyone else was to tell me the same dam crap i would just say FUCK YOU!! but thats my mom and i cant and it sucks

so after spending a day locked up crying listening to music i decided i was not gonna cry anymore (even tho a brief therapy session with michael forced some tears) so i went to layout in the sun called the office of financial aid and my complex and attempted to figure shit out. but i honestly dont care. shit is what it is. i forced smiles and pretended like i was gonna be ok. i think even michael was shocked by the amount of detail i shared with him, frankly i was surprised to, but he asked and i just gave answers because well it was the truth and i am tired of hiding and feeling this way. and with all the time i spend with him he might as well know that his friend is crazy! well kinda. and besides he had to share with me his plan to ask adriana to formal so of course i obliged and shared my opinion because well who knew that michael was capable of such cute gestures when the very same michael was yelling, "bitches want dick," on the balcony in a drunken state on saturday night and doesnt even remember! i guess he is a better friend than i ever imagined which is nice.

i have so much pain inside but i promised myself that i was gonna make it not matter what the cost so i shall persevere and keep fighting because thats what we all must do.


&&even if maria thinks i am the reason for all our family problems and i am just another mistake to her i will make it. maybe it wont be done right away but i have a feeling that great things are coming for me. && things will be ok. so here we go again jumping to feet in and attempting to be the best i can be and to make things better!

not mention i am getting reacquainted with an old friend who i thought id never thought i talk to again.
"lets pick up where we left off" hmmmmmm :)











oh and

e: hey art i think i can do this. this singing thing.
a: dude i KNOW you can
e: then lets do this. really really
a: you can do it
e: does this mean i have to sing in front of you like really a whole song and what not
a: ya dude
e: then lets do this!





hahaha


peace love and shooting stars
-laineyyyyya

run run as fast as you can

we all do it
some of us are better than others at running
me: id like to consider myself a pro at this running
only difference is that now that i am older
and i realize just how unhealthy that is
i can't help but feel when the running has gone on long enough
and its time for elaine to have some kind of human emotion again

vic says i should talk to someone
that it could help

but i dont think i need to i dont think that missing popo is what is making me so crazy these days
i think its way more complex than even i can understand or begin to even comprehend
my chest hurts like if my heart is slowly breaking into a million pieces
lately ive felt so overwhelmed i am not even sure how to go about things anymore

i think about school and the future and where i want to be and i cant see my future
i use to be able to visualize where i wanted to end up and now i just cant see it
i get so anxious i have to stop myself and remember that its gonna be ok
even tho i feel kinda lost


i know that i dont want to go law school anymore
that is no longer my plan
but i wish i had a new one



i just wanna sing to the world
i want my voice to be heard
i just wanna make a difference







peace love and shooting stars
elaine

home is where the heart is

so where i am
where ever Gods presence is known
is where you will find me!

i came back to sa last night
at such a random hour i couldnt even believe i did that
but family is such a powerful bond
sucha valuable thing

i am sitting here with sophia and i cant help but be happy
sunday may not have been my day and things are just a big mess
but i am gonna turn it all around i am
gonna make sure things get taken care of


so on this beautiful day
i will speak of the sunshine
and the stars

about having all my faith in god to get me where i need to be
the lord has blessed me and i know he has a plan

so today ill keep this short
<3





peace love and shooting stars,
laineyyyaaaaa

the real world

so while i havent posted anything in a very long time(over a month)
lots has been happening int he wonderful world of elaine!
besides starting school and actually getting back on track i have been growing in my relationships as well!
life is good
i started school on the 15th and its just been quite the experience and i am loving it more than i have ever before but i have decided to post a blog because
1. i am procrastinating my studying
2. its been a long 2 days
3. la 48 has already passed!

yes yes last weekend was the wonderful longhorn awakening 48 in which i was staffing for the very first time and i absolutely loved it! but i have to admit at first i didnt feel like i got what i normally get when i staff retreats this feeling of god's presence is usually overwhelming but i didnt feel it this time and i could exactly figure out why.

then monday came around && my roomates crazy ex grabbed her and for the first time i didnt feel safe inside my apartment and i am not even sure how this even happens but the last two days have been intense. the cops were here today talking to us about safety and i really hope we got through to her about how crazy her ex is being and how scary this whole situation is

i had a very intense conversation with a good old friend of mine yesterday as we packed away his life in the atx for him to head back home and it was more of a spiritual talk that i truly appreciated. i saw things in a new light and new that god was present right then and there

just like earlier in the day when i was talking to victor about his spiritual journey
i felt like god was talking to him through me which was just absolutely amazing

tho things are complicated i see things differently. i stopped asking god why me and started to say thank you! he is trusting me so much with the curve balls he throws at me. he is preparing me for the future in the best way one can be prepared; through experience and all my searching is paying off and i am becoming more and more of a follower of christ and my life is slowly be shaped to be more like him.

even if my family is still not all put together i have god on my side. he even says it in Psalms i cant remember which one it was exactly but i know it was something like "even if your mother and father abandon you i will be with you" could i really ask for a better example of christ's love??




so life is what it is. its hard. its tough. somtimes it doesnt makes sens. sometimes we study and still do bad, but its all part of his plan for us, he is guiding us each and everyday and the more weak ive felt the harder i have leaned on God and the harder i lean the more i learn! and thats just what i need. i have finally accepted who i am and i know where i stan.


i have been blessed so much and i will continue to be a follower of christ and work to accomplish all the goals i have set out for myself. i am putting it all in his hands and i do plan on succeeding in the end. defeat will not be an option.

my sister looks up to me she is my world i never knew i could love as much as i love her because i have opened up to her and i have trusted her with secrets i do not tell anyone else and because of her i know that christ's love exist


i just had to share my feelings because i have the most amazing people in my life who come to my rescue and they are blessings and proof of God's love!


so i know that i will be ok&&all will work out just as he intends it to







peace love and shooting stars,
-elaine<3